Today I had a discussion with a loved one. She expressed her frustration with her medical issues and consequential weight struggles. I can certainly feel her pain, as I am an obese woman that struggles with the same issues. Something she said stopped me in my tracks, though.

"I am a skinny girl trapped in a big body."

Actually, I'm not sure if she said big, fat, heavy....I became fixated on the "skinny girl trapped" part. I asked her what she thought all fat girls felt like on the inside. She gave me the "trapped skinny girl" answer, but her voice seemed to indicate that she was questioning her own response. I won't speculate, as I can't read her mind. I can, however, say with absolute confidence that not all fat girls feel that way...at all.

In my humble opinion, "skinny" and "fat" are not emotions. It's one thing to feel a disconnect between the body and spirit, but feeling "fat" or "skinny" just doesn't make sense to me. Do I feel fat? No....and I'm very obese. Do I feel skinny? No....and I was skinny before, so I know what it's like. I am not happy with the state of my health and body, but I am taking steps to remedy that. However, I AM happy with who I am on the inside. I am not perfect, but I'm a good person that genuinely cares about people...family, friend, foe or stranger. I am confident in my ability to express myself. I love my attitude towards diversity of culture and humanity, fully embracing the ideal that variety truly is the spice of life. I love my ability to connect with people and help them see the beauty within themselves. I love and embrace the "imperfections" of life. I also love that I feel good about who I am as a person. I wish I could say that all women feel that way, but sadly they don't.

Take a look at Hollywood. Attractiveness is too often based on Hollywood ideals. We pay Hollywood's entertainment industry billions of dollars through magazine subscriptions, movie nights, concerts and other events for them to tell us how we should look, feel, act and think in order to be deemed attractive/normal. And, might I add, the ideal is constantly changing. Take a look at the famous women through the decades. The female form of the 50's is different from the 60's and so on. Twiggy made it fashionable to be skinny, Marilyn made it fashionable to be blond, Jennifer Lopez made it fashionable to have a big bottom....and so on. On the flip side of that, we also have these magazines and entertainment "news" reporting on who is too skinny, who is too fat, etc. What happened to developing our own idea of beauty? Why do we allow an industry that only wants our cash to spoon feed our ideals to us? I'm not saying this is what is happening to my loved one, but I am saying that this happens to many of us without realizing it. Hell, even the movie stars don't look like themselves anymore.

I feel sorry that my loved one that feels "trapped" in any way. She is a passionate, outspoken, forthright, sexy, and loving woman that is absolutely gorgeous to me. She's a woman of strength that I admire, so I was heartbroken to hear that she felt trapped within her own body. The sad truth is, I do too. I feel trapped by an illness that causes physical pain and limits to my daily functioning. This alone makes me feel trapped in my body. Unfortunately, I also feel trapped by a society that ostracizes me for my appearance and has no desire to acknowledge me as a functional member of society that deserves respect and opportunity. I live with the stigma that obese equals lazy, pathetic, uncaring, unable, desperate...not to mention I'm now a medical liability according to statistics. I wonder how obese people compare in risk to the skinny drug addicts and alcoholics? But, I digress....

The point is, I'm obese and I don't want to be judged by it or judge myself by it....and I DON'T think others should hitch their self-esteem on it, either. No one can tell by looking at me if I am suffering from a medical issue, if I've lost 50 lbs, had gastric bypass, etc. Still, I am having trouble getting hired because interviewers have difficulty seeing the intelligence that lies beyond my girth. I've had popcorn poured over my head in a movie theater by teenagers, had obscenities screamed at me from moving cars and children yell "Look at the fat/big/pregnant lady!" across many stores for the everyone to hear and stare....all while my son is present. It fucking hurts. And I'm not going to lie, I am concerned about my weight every day. I understand all too well the frustration surrounding unwanted extra pounds. We're only human and it's built into our survival mechanism to concern ourselves with our welfare and how others perceive us. However, I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to allow Hollywood, public humiliation or "statistics" dictate how I should feel about myself. And I'm not going to let their stigmas stand in my way, either. I might not have a choice in how others choose to perceive me, but I do have a choice in how I perceive myself. As beauty fades, the heart, mind and soul continue to flourish, becoming rich with knowledge, experience and beauty....if we let go and let it in. And I'm GOING to let it. Are you?